Why Emotions Matter: Understanding Emotional Regulation and Self-Awareness

Erin H. Kim
2 days ago
4 min read

How are you feeling?

When you hear this question, what are the first few words that pop into your head?

Maybe you would answer by saying “I don’t know,” “I feel ok,” or “I feel tired.”

But if you take a little bit longer to sit with the question, notice what comes up for you.

For some, descriptive feeling words may come easily. Maybe you have had practice exploring your internal world, or you were raised in a context where feelings were regularly shared.

For others, you may find it difficult to think of feeling words. Maybe you have experienced feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, so it is easier to push them down and ignore them. Maybe from a young age, you were given messages that you were not allowed to experience certain emotions. You may have heard the words “you’re too emotional,” “good girls shouldn’t get angry,” or “men don’t cry.” These attached messages cast shame on your emotions and made certain feelings unacceptable.

So do our emotions matter?

Is it worth it to go through the work of exploring our emotions?

Why Do Emotions Matter?

If the 2015 Pixar Film Inside Out taught us anything, it’s that everyone has emotions, and these emotions play an important role in helping us navigate through the world.

In Why Emotions Matter, Collins & Collins (2019) use the metaphor of emotions as a warning light on the dashboard of a car. When one learns how to drive, they mainly use the steering wheel, the gear shift, and the pedals. But there are hundreds of gears and essential mechanisms that are working together beneath the hood that make the car functional and safe to drive.

When the engine light turns on, the driver can be notified that something beneath the hood needs assessment and care. If we ignore the engine light for long enough, severe damage can be done to the car, and it can be unsafe to drive the vehicle.

Similar to an engine light, emotions tell us something about what is going on internally. Whether it is anger, sadness, joy, or a mixture of several emotions, all emotions give us information about ourselves, our environment, and others.

Painterly illustration of a woman in quiet reflection, representing emotional awareness, self-compassion, and emotional regulation. — Emotions are not signs of weakness. They are invitations to better understand ourselves.

It Is Ok to Feel _____?

There may be some emotions that feel unacceptable.

As mentioned previously, you may not have been allowed to express certain emotions, such as anger, frustration, hate, sadness, etc.

Is it ok to experience these emotions?

To answer simply, yes, your feelings are valid.

It is human to experience these complex emotions. It is natural to feel angry if someone steals your belongings or upset if someone cuts you off in traffic. While the internal experience is natural and valid, the external expression of your emotions may have to be modified to ensure the safety of yourself and others. You may have experienced the feeling of regret after impulsively reacting in anger or frustration. So how can we still feel our feelings but avoid being controlled by them?

This is where emotional regulation comes in.

Emotional regulation is an important practice where individuals are able to identify their emotions and manage them in a healthy and appropriate manner.

Emotional Regulation and Its Importance

There are many ways to emotionally self-regulate, but here are just a few of my personal favorites.

A helpful first step to emotional regulation is to name the feeling.

Acknowledge the feeling you are experiencing and take a moment to get in touch with your internal world. Even saying the words “I feel angry” or “I feel sad” can slow down your flight or fight and switch gears to a less reactive state of mind. You can also validate your feelings without judgment, rather than ignoring them, which is a great way to practice self-compassion and also calm the nervous system.

Deep breathing is a technique that also calms the nervous system. There are many methods and tutorials on how to take deep calming breaths, if you need guidelines, you can use something called box breathing.

Take a deep and slow breath in through your nose for 4 counts, hold your breath for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts.

You can repeat as necessary and go at your own pace and comfort level.

When we also recognize our feelings, rather than ignoring them, we can begin to recognize patterns as well. It expands our self-awareness and ability to show ourselves grace. If you recognize a pattern in which you feel anxious every time you pull into the parking lot at work, you can implement methods of emotional regulation, self-compassion, and self-care to manage and address those feelings. If you ignore the feelings and unknowingly subject yourself to the anxiety day after day, you may find that over time you begin to feel burnt out or disconnected.

Your emotions are important, and they are telling you something.

So how are you feeling?

Try to make it a regular practice to take inventory of the feelings and emotions that you are experiencing. Notice how it feels to experience happiness when you are laughing with your loved ones or drinking a delicious cup of coffee. Notice how you feel after a long day at work or as you sit in traffic.

Simply notice and validate your feelings, self-regulate if you have to, and don’t ignore your engine light!

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About the Author:

Erin H. Kim, AMFT, is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Behold Counseling who specializes in trauma, anxiety, shame, and relationship concerns. Drawing from EMDR therapy and attachment-based approaches, she helps individuals better understand their emotional experiences, process difficult life events, and develop healthier relationships with themselves and others. Erin provides virtual therapy throughout California and is passionate about creating a compassionate space where clients can explore, heal, and grow.

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